How to Stop a Breakup Guide

Of all the possible things a couple might do together, breaking up is one that occurs all too frequently and is all too often a painful and troublesome process.  People are usually hurt and things said in the heat of the moment are left to be regretted at leisure. Relationships that started as friendships often dissolve into acrimony and hatred. Breakups sometimes take place when the couple still love each other - this is so very tragic, but dramatic circumstances within the relationship prevent the couple from being together.

While it's mostly easy to tell when a long-term relationship has gone sour, it's not an easy environment to be in.  There's almost a physical chill in the atmosphere as the couple inhabit the same space yet aren't living together - communication between them is at the barest minimum needed to maintain the household until the unavoidable breakup, which will be almost anticlimactic.

There's no eye contact - in fact, there's no contact, period - physical intimacy is one of the first casualties when a relationship goes bad and begins the descent to breakup.  Gone are the provocative glances and the random caresses.  There's more warmth in a government office.

Both parties in the relationship know there's a problem - if a stranger in the home can see it, of course they're aware.  If they want to repair and restore the relationship, the first thing they've got to do is sit down together and honestly confront their problems together. It takes a while for a relationship to go bad, and it takes a while to restore it.  This sit-down shouldn't be expected to solve the problems: in fact, it's a productive conversation if the outcome is that the couple agrees to try to save their relationship.

This conversation doesn't have to be long, but it has to have meaning for each.  They should reflect privately on the essence of their talk and determine if their problems can be overcome.  Each will have grudges, and so they each must be willing to make the commitment necessary to effect change.  The commitment must be sincere; it can't be just a "go with the flow" sort of acquiescence made to appease the other.

At this point, assuming both have confirmed their desire to save the relationship, it's time to sit down again and get down to the nitty-gritty of discussing the sometimes hurtful specifics. Don't get all entangled in your ego now - you've got a chance to save your relationship; don't blow it by pointing fingers and assigning "accountability."  When a relationship's in jeopardy, the blame rarely falls only on one person's shoulders.  Instead, focus on identifying and solving problems that are breaking you two apart.  Agree to do only to those things you can honestly and sincerely do - don't make pledges you can't keep.  If that's your approach, you might as well break up now.

Now it's time to start the second step - rebuilding your aspirations and ambitions.  You've identified issues and at least tentatively set about solving them.  Perhaps some of them were due to the dreams and promises you shared when you first got together being abandoned; perhaps one or both of you grew out of them and left the other behind.  Now's the time to come back together and synchronize your dreams and find that road of common interests and hopes to walk together. If you cannot find these things together, yours may be that special kind of relationship where the couple don't share interests or dreams, but their interests, goals and aspirations are complementary.  As you pursue your varied interests you can still love and support each other while working to achieve those dreams.

Finally, keep your eye on the prize - restoring your relationship and making it even better than it was before.  Keep on communicating - falling back into the old habit of not communicating will pull you down into the same rut.  And if you need help, don't be embarrassed, go ahead and ask for it! No problem is so great that it cannot be solved if the two of you are resolved to make it so.  When you've restored your relationship and made it better than before, you'll look back on this low point as the best thing that happened to you!